I’ve never known fear

I hate this. I HATE this.

So here I am. I feel great, my wounds are healing. They cut out the cancer. It’s gone. …right?

I’m being a mom, I’m being a wife, I’m getting ready for the holidays, I’m organizing, bill paying, cleaning, dog walking, I’m living my life the way I always have. I’m a firecracker.

And they tell me, “Do this, just in case.” And, “Also do this.” And the thing is, I feel great, and those things will make me feel horrible. Each one has not only side effects during treatment that make life less livable, less enjoyable, but also potential long-term effects. Cosmetic effects – shrinking and firming of the breast, permanent hair loss, skin discoloration – and scarier, more devastating internal effects – more cancer (it’s called cyTOXan for a reason), loss of fertility, permanent menopause.

So I feel great, I think the cancer’s gone… but just in case. Just in case, I should risk my mental, emotional, and physical health for a possible positive outcome. The doctors say, the statistics say, the people who love me say – do it, just in case.

Would I rather regret something I did, or something I didn’t do? What if there end up being no regrets at all? Or what if the treatments take away my sparkle?